Marriage, Family, and Individual Therapy

It’s okay to cry. Crying creates self-awareness, carving out space for our authentic selves. Yet, we hide our tears so often, don’t we? From our children, our spouses, sometimes even our closest friends. Yet, when it comes to laughter, we don’t hide, we laugh freely, wholeheartedly, with our entire bodies, unashamed and oblivious to the world around us. So why are our tears so selective, so reclusive? Why do we treat crying like a secret we’re afraid to share?

Let’s unpack this. Crying isn’t weakness; it’s a powerful release, a testament to our humanity. It’s time we stop damming up our emotions and start letting those spillways flow.

The Truth of Emotion

You’ve probably heard the saying: emotion is ‘energy in motion.” It’s not just a catchy phrase; it’s a truth about how our bodies process feelings. Picture a dam holding back a surging river. If the water builds up too much, the pressure becomes unbearable, and the dam risks breaking. Our bodies work the same way. Bottling up emotions doesn’t make them disappear; it creates internal pressure that can manifest as stress, anxiety, or even physical pain. Yes, we could actually cause ourselves to be sick by not letting the energy be in motion.

So, how do we manage this emotional backup before it overwhelms us? We open the spillways, in this case, our eyes. Tears are the body’s natural release valve, a way to let excess energy flow out. Holding back tears is like trying to hold back a flood with your bare hands. It’s not sustainable, and it’s not healthy.

Here’s a fascinating fact to drive this home: tears aren’t one-size-fits-all. Did you know that happy tears, sad tears, and even tears from chopping onions have different molecular structures when viewed under a microscope? Scientist Rose-Lynn Fisher’s The Topography of Tears project revealed that each type of tear forms unique, intricate patterns, like emotional fingerprints. If that doesn’t convince you of the power and purpose of crying, I’m not sure what will. Tears aren’t just water; they’re a physical expression of what’s happening inside you.

Why We Hide Our Tears (And Why We Shouldn’t)

Society hasn’t exactly rolled out the red carpet for public displays of crying. From a young age, we’re taught that tears signal weakness, especially for women navigating stereotypes about being “too emotional.” We’re told to “keep it together,” to “be strong,” to save our tears for the privacy of our bedrooms or a locked bathroom stall. But why do we give laughter a free pass while shoving tears into the shadows?

Nobody wants to be that person, the one who cries at the drop of a hat. I get it. We want to uphold a certain decorum, a standard for how others view us. But here’s the thing: suppressing tears doesn’t make you stronger; it just buries the pain deeper. Unreleased emotions can fester, leading to burnout, resentment, or physical ailments like headaches or a weakened immune system. A 2014 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that suppressing emotions increases stress hormones like cortisol, which wreak havoc on your body over time.

On the flip side, crying has tangible benefits. It releases endorphins and oxytocin, the body’s “feel-good” chemicals, reducing stress and promoting calm. Crying also activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping your body return to balance after a stressful event. In short, tears aren’t just cathartic; they are therapy.

Crying without hiding doesn’t mean you’re sobbing in the corner store every day (though if it happens, let it be authentic). It means listening to your body when the pressure builds. Your body will let you know when it’s had enough; it’ll give you signs. Maybe you’re short-tempered, snapping at your kids or coworkers over small things. Maybe you’re frustrated, feeling like everything is harder than it should be. Or maybe it’s that persistent, low hum of overwhelm, like a background noise you can’t quite tune out. These are your body’s red flags, signaling it’s time to let the tears flow.

Crying Without Hiding: Finding the Balance

So, you might be asking: “How do I cry authentically without feeling like I’m losing control or breaking some unspoken social rule?” As with so many things, it’s all about the balance. We can honor our emotions while still navigating our own expectations. Here are some ways that might feel empowering, should you allow yourself to engage.

1. Tune Into Your Body’s Signals: Pay attention to the signs of emotional buildup: irritability, tightness in your chest, or that “I’m about to snap” feeling. These are cues that your spillways need to open. Instead of pushing through, pause and ask yourself, “What am I holding back?” Even a five-minute cry can reset your emotional gauge.
2. Choose Your Moments (When You Can): You don’t have to cry in the middle of a work meeting to be authentic. If you’re in a public setting and feel tears coming, excuse yourself to a quiet space (if this feels right): a bathroom, your car, or a park bench. But don’t suppress the urge altogether; give yourself permission to release when the moment feels right.
3. Reframe Public Tears: If tears come unexpectedly, maybe during a challenging conversation or a touching moment, DO NOT apologize. Instead, own it. Try saying, “I’m just feeling this deeply right now,” or let the tears fall without explanation. Most people will respect your authenticity, and you might even inspire them to be more open with their emotions.
4. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people who normalize crying. Share your feelings with friends, family, or a therapist who won’t judge you for tearing up. When you know you’re in a safe space, it’s easier to let go without fear of being “too much.”
5. Practice Self-Compassion: If you worry about being seen as “that person who cries,” remind yourself that crying is a universal human experience. It’s not a flaw, it’s a feature and sometimes wonderful, sometimes awful, pre-programmed natural human response. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend who’s struggling.

How to Embrace Your Tears

If you’re ready to let those spillways open but aren’t sure where to start, here are practical ways to create space for your tears:

1. Find a Safe Space: Not everyone feels comfortable crying in public, and that’s okay. Create a private sanctuary—a cozy corner of your home, your car, or a quiet park. Light a candle, play soft music, or wrap yourself in a favorite blanket to signal it’s safe to release.
2. Trigger the Tears: Sometimes, the emotions are there, but the tears need a nudge. Watch a heartfelt movie (The Notebook, anyone?), listen to a song that hits you in the feels, or journal about what’s weighing on you. Writing can be a powerful way to process emotions and invite tears.
3. Reframe Your Mindset: Instead of viewing crying as a loss of control, see it as an act of courage. Tears are a natural response to life’s highs and lows, just like laughter or a racing heartbeat. Try a mantra like, “My tears are my strength,” to shift your perspective.
4. Share with Trusted People: Let someone you trust see your tears. Share how you’re feeling with a friend, partner, or therapist. Vulnerability can deepen connections and remind you you’re not alone.
5. Celebrate the Release: After a good cry, notice how you feel—lighter, clearer, maybe even empowered. Treat yourself to something comforting, like a warm drink or a soothing bath, to honor the moment.

A Personal Story: My Own Spillway Moment

I used to be a master at holding back tears. Growing up, I saw crying as a liability, a flashing neon sign that screamed “too sensitive” to the world. As a self-professed “sensitive soul,” I was already prone to tearing up at the smallest things. I mean that cute bear from the Snuggles commercial could trigger an emotional response, let alone witnessing a stranger’s kind gesture on video or in real time. But in social settings, I’d clamp down hard on those emotions. I remember one moment vividly: I was at a gathering, surrounded by people, when a wave of grief hit me out of nowhere. My chest tightened, a lump swelled in my throat, and I fought with everything I had to keep the tears at bay. I excused myself, smiled through the pain, and carried on.

Later that night, alone in my room with a sore throat and a chest still constricted, I sat with the discomfort of my restraint. Of course, the same tired excuses flooded in, crying is embarrassing, shameful, a sign of weakness. But then, a quieter voice, like that of a curious child full of innocent wonder, broke through. “Why?” it asked. That single word, so simple yet so profound, unraveled everything. It was as if the sweet summer child inside me had tugged at the thread of my defenses, exposing the truth of my humanity: my tears are not shameful, they are a gift, a release, a testament to my ability to feel deeply and proof of my perfect human incarnation. In that moment, I vowed to stop chaining my emotions and start trusting my spillways.

A Call to Action: Let It Flow

Here’s my challenge to you: the next time you feel those tears welling up, don’t push them down. Don’t apologize, don’t hide, don’t distract yourself. Let them flow. Cry in the shower, cry on your commute, cry with a friend who gets it. Give yourself permission to be fully human, to honor the energy in motion in its most authentic form.

If you’re still on the fence, think about those microscopic tear patterns. Remember that each tear you shed is a unique work of art, a snapshot of the truth that exists within your body and your heart. So, in the same way that we stop to appreciate a masterpiece, we can learn to pause to cherish our tears like the fleeting and beautiful canvases they are.

You might be wondering what happens after. Another one-word answer, “Empowerment”. The strength that comes from embracing your truth is a pathway to your own personal empowerment. So, when you’re done, catch your breath, send yourself gratitude, and step into that power.

Let’s start a movement of unapologetic crying. Share this post with a friend who needs to hear it, or tell me in the comments: when was the last time you had a good cry, and how did it feel? Let’s normalize tears, one spillway at a time.