I’m at my kitchen table, the one with late night talks, family time and stories etched into its grain. It’s 2020, and I’m writing my second letter of the week to my son, who’s grinding through boot camp. The world feels heavy, with the pandemic and politics swirling, but these letters are my way of sending love across the miles. I write about the golden leaves falling, what we’ve been doing, how we miss him, and how proud I am of him. I seal the envelope with love and intention, drop it in the mailbox, and wait.
Weeks pass. I get one letter back. Maybe two, if I’m lucky. People ask if I’ve heard from him and when I say not much they say, “Why keep writing if he barely writes back?” I smile, not out of some saintly glow, but because I’ve learned something they might not yet see. I’m not writing for his response. I’m writing because of the kind of mom I want to be.
This is the secret I want to share today. It’s about reciprocity, or rather, how we get trapped when we bind our actions to what we expect from others. And it’s about how we can break free by choosing who we are in each moment.
The Expectation Trap
We’ve all felt it. You hold the door for someone, and they slip through without a glance. You plan a thoughtful birthday surprise, and the reaction falls flat. Or maybe, like me, you pour your heart into something, a letter, a kind gesture, a quiet moment of listening, and the other person doesn’t match your effort. It stings, doesn’t it?
As a therapist, I see this pattern daily. We’re wired to seek fairness, an emotional give-and-take. Psychologists call it reciprocity, and it’s woven into our social fabric. Long ago, it helped us survive: you share your food, I share mine, and we both make it through the winter. But today, this instinct can cage us. We expect others to mirror our actions, and when they don’t, we feel cheated. Resentful. Like we’ve been shorted in some invisible deal.
Alan Watts, the philosopher who danced with life’s big questions, might say we’re playing a game we’ve forgotten is a game. We act as if love or kindness is a transaction, expecting a cosmic ledger to balance. But life, as Watts reminds us, isn’t a business deal. It’s a dance. And the joy comes from dancing your steps, not waiting for someone else to match your rhythm.
Choosing Who I Am
Those boot camp letters? They weren’t about my son’s reply. They were about me stepping into the mother I want to be, one who shows up, loves fiercely, and stays steady even when the world (or her kid) doesn’t write back. I wasn’t keeping score. I was living my truth.
Eckhart Tolle talks about the power of the present moment, where the ego’s need for control or validation falls away. When I wrote those letters, I wasn’t chasing my son’s response or some future payoff. I was fully in the act of writing, of being the mom I chose to be. That choice, rooted in the now, was freedom. It meant my actions weren’t tethered to what someone else might do. They were mine, whole and complete.
In my work as an LMFT, I see how expectations tangle relationships. Couples bicker because one feels unseen. Friends drift when one gives more. Parents and kids clash when love feels like a tally sheet. But here’s the truth, as Tolle might put it: you can’t control another’s actions, only your own presence. When you act from who you are, not who you want others to be, you step out of the trap.
Breaking Free
So how do we escape the reciprocity trap? It starts with a pause. The next time you’re about to do something kind, whether it’s a letter or a favor or just listening, ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Is it for me, or for their reaction?
If it’s for you, you’re on the right path. You’re acting from your values, not a script you hope someone else will follow. It’s not about being selfless, as Watts might chuckle, but about playing your part in the dance of life. It’s about choosing actions that reflect who you want to be, no matter the outcome.
Here’s a challenge. Think of a recent moment when you acted hoping for a certain response, maybe a text you sent or a gesture you made. Now imagine doing it again, but this time, let go of what you expect back. Feel what it’s like to act for you, fully present, as Tolle would say. Notice how it lightens the load.
The Gift of Being You
Those letters to my son were as much for me as for him. Each one was a reminder that I could choose love, connection, and consistency, no matter what came back. And when he did write, those rare notes in his scrawled handwriting felt like a gift, not a debt paid.
Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop letting others’ actions define your worth. As Watts might say, you’re not here to balance the universe’s books. You’re here to dance. And as Tolle reminds us, you’re here to be fully you, in this moment.
So today, try it. Choose one small act, a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, a moment of showing up, and do it for you. Because the person you’re becoming is the real gift.
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