I grew up ugly. I was teased in every imaginable way possible by small town and small minded people. I was labeled ugly by those same people. I carried their words with me all the way through my high school career and well into my adulthood. I bought into the idea and told myself that I was ugly which morphed into the idea that I was also worthless, unlovable, and that nobody would ever like me for me. Somewhere along the line I also picked up the idea that I could at least feel like I was worthy of something if I did things for other people. I got positive reinforcement from other peoples smiles or joy when I would perform in some way that would get me positive feedback. And this was who I became, a people pleaser. I learned to do things for others whether I really wanted to or not. Those brief moments of feeling good about myself were like a drug to me. That drug I chased was attention because attention came to mean worthiness.
I entered relationships based on what I could give to the other person and this often left me not only completely alone but also feeling used. I also entered relationships with people because I thought I could fix them. I attracted broken people not because I wanted to but because, I thought, if I could help someone else then I would be worthy. I did things in those relationships and outside of relationships that I thought would earn me the love that I so desperately needed none of them did.
I usually tried to arrive early at parties to help set up and usually ended up staying late to help clean up. I worn my self out and stretched myself thin to please other people all the while thinking that maybe someone would see me, maybe someone would love me. I worked harder than anyone else I knew because maybe someone would see me. I stayed too long at jobs and in relationships not for my sake but always for the sake of others. Always thinking, if I did, I would finally be seen.
My first taste of freedom after leaving home made things worse. I chased that attention even more and made mistakes I never intended to make. I became someone I did not want to become. I never really stopped to realize that I wasn’t living my life intentionally or authentically, I was continuously chasing “the high” that would never last and putting too much time into people who could never love me.
I’ve realized that I lied to myself for a long time. Everytime I told myself if I did this or did that then someone would finally see me, someone would really love me, I lied. Because, now I know that the only person who could ever really love me, is me. The only person who could ever give me the attention I longed for was me. I attracted broken people not because they were broken but because I was broken. It was never really about fixing them, deep down I think I always knew that I actually wanted to fix the broke pieces of myself. There’s a part of me that wishes I knew then what I know now, even though I wouldn’t change a thing about my life now, I wish I hadn’t spent so much time chasing something I was never going to get from anywhere or anyone but myself. So, I guess my hope is that I can inspire other people to start putting work into fixing themselves now, before too much of your life passes you by. That old cliche’ “you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself” is a really, really true statement.
Start thinking now about who you are and who you want to be. Do something today that future you will thank you for. Before you do something ask yourself if you are doing it from the most authentic part of you self and don’t do anything that doesn’t show you how much you love you.
All of the mistakes I made were not worth the price I paid although I can’t deny they were worth the lessons I learned. I wish I could tell you that I finally met someone who made all of those doubts about myself, the ugliness, the worthlessness, and the attention seeking magically disappear like in the movies, but I didn’t. I did meet someone who loved me, not because of what I did for them but just because. They helped me, but they didn’t fix me anymore than I fixed them. I had to learn to love myself. I had to address all of the broken pieces of myself and I’m still working on it. I don’t think that I will ever stop. I’ll tell you a secret, the only end to the work we have to do within our selves is death, up until that day I encourage you to continue to be present with yourself, your needs, and to continue to do the work that you need to do so that everyday you feel a little more beautiful, everyday you feel a little more worthy, and everyday you love yourself just a little bit more.
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